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Then There You Were [sam/castiel][s/a]

Title: Then There You Were
Pairing/Character(s): Sam/Castiel
Rating: PG
Summary:  Castiel was…unused to feeling this way. Towards any creature; angel, human, demon. He was not a sentimental being, all in all, though he had come to terms with the fact that he had a deep set, human like care for the Winchesters. Fate had sneered at him and called it ‘love’. Balthazar often looked him up and down and then rolled his eyes and said the same thing. He seemed to think it was more silly where Fate believed it to be sinister. Castiel was just confused. Balthazar had been on Earth longer than him but he had been secluded – what did he know about love?
Warning: N/A
Beta: N/A
Word Count: 1,769
A/N: For a friend on tumblr. I ship Sam/Castiel. dealwithit.gif

Getting to know the Winchesters was an experience Castiel had never expected to have. He had shown up when expected, yanked Dean out of Hell and been given his orders. And he had followed them, dutifully. They were not to injure or maim the ‘other one’ (though Castiel always thought, in the back of his mind, that it was rather rude that they did not refer to Sam as his name, but rather as ‘the brother’ or of course ‘the boy with the demon blood’. Castiel has always – probably will always – harbored some guilt for greeting him as such) unless he became too much of a problem, because he was still important.

And even though Castiel had not known what Sam had been important for (the angels’ plan to jumpstart the apocalypse, even if that meant poisoning Sam until he was so addicted he would die), not until the very end, he still felt guilty for that. He felt guilty for letting Sam down (because he had – he opened that door, he let Sam out, it was just as much his fault but Dean didn’t know that and Dean had blamed Sam, had such a hated for his own brother it made Castiel ache for both of them), felt guilty for his inability to save this boy.

Castiel was…unused to feeling this way. Towards any creature; angel, human, demon. He was not a sentimental being, all in all, though he had come to terms with the fact that he had a deep set, human like care for the Winchesters. Fate had sneered at him and called it ‘love’. Balthazar often looked him up and down and then rolled his eyes and said the same thing. He seemed to think it was more silly where Fate believed it to be sinister. Castiel was just confused. Balthazar had been on Earth longer than him but he had been secluded – what did he know about love?

Of course, Castiel’s knowledge of love ended at Anna’s demise. Love didn’t really last, he reasoned. Human beings had marriage but marriages fell apart, and not all forms of marriage were even accepted. Castiel didn’t understand some of the bars on marriage, but he had nothing he could do about. He just wondered vaguely.

But he knew that even Anna, the most human of all angels, could be overpowered. It made him feel a little sad and weary.

Castiel supposes that love can’t be all that bad though, if it is what he feels about Sam and Dean. It is often filled with worry and fear but there are also other times.

The way Sam smiles at him, as if he’s truly happy to see him, is one of those times. Castiel will smile back (he’s not particularly good at that, but he tries) and he feels loosened. Relaxed. Around Sam, especially. Which is an oddity, since Dean is the ‘righteous one’, and the one with the ‘profound bond’. He loves Dean, he figures, but he doesn’t think he could say that to him. Dean would react badly. Would probably lash out. Punch him, at best. Set him in a ring of holy fire.

That would be…bad. Castiel knows that would be bad.

It’s one of those days. Castiel appears at Bobby’s in a flutter of wings and Sam is the first to see him. He’s groggy and tired and this is where he wants to be. Sam’s arm wraps around his shoulder and he lets himself be dragged inside, though he knows he could walk upright if he really wanted to.

He sits around the kitchen table and Bobby brings him a beer. Cas likes Bobby – he doesn’t love him like he loves Sam, or Dean – and Bobby seems to be more approving of him now that he has his legs back. They perhaps have a mutual appreciation for one another. Sam watches him with quiet, questioning eyes, but Castiel doesn’t bother with details.

Dean greets him gruffly, giving him a friendly thump on the back. Castiel returns a smile and Dean’s turns into a frown. “You look like you got hit by a bus.”

Castiel knows that Sam and Dean don’t think he sees the expressions they share. Sam’s eyes widen and he glares at Dean in that way he does, where his eyebrows knit together and he twitches his head in the way of Castiel as if to tell Dean to ‘shut the fuck up’ as Castiel knows the phrase is. Castiel appreciates Sam’s concern.

“We got a hunt.”

Sam leans back in his chair and huffs. “Another one? Aren’t we – you know – a little busy?” Cas drinks his beer and tries not to smile. He likes when Sam acts like this. Defiant. It’s one of Cas’ favorite things about him, in fact.

Dean grumbles something under his breath and looks at Bobby. “It’s just a salt-and-burn, but people are dying. No point sitting our asses around at home. You wanna go?”

Bobby is quick to agree. No one wants to be stuck in a house with a quiet, gloomy Castiel – even Castiel knows that they ache for excuses to leave.

Except Sam.

Once they’ve left, dirt rising outside in their absence, Castiel looks up. “Sam.”

“Cas.”

Cas smiles a bit. “You didn’t have to stay.”

Sam blinks and runs a hand through his long hair. “Sure I did,” he mumbles, and Castiel recognizes his tone as embarrassed. It makes something strange happen in his chest. He ignores it. “Couldn’t leave you alone with Bobby.”

Castiel just finishes his beer and nods. “Thank you.”

They end up roaming lazily around the house and end up on the couch watching TV. Sam tries to explain the drama of Dr. Sexy but Castiel is too distracted to really pay attention. They end up with Sam leaning carefully against Cas.

Sam is warm. Castiel likes that.

He’s not sure how to proceed in this situation, but he puts his arm around Sam. It’s comfortable.

He likes being comfortable.

“This weird?” Sam says quietly as the episode credits roll.

“Is what weird, Sam?” Castiel asks, though he thinks he knows exactly what Sam is asking. He doesn’t know the answer.

“You know, I haven’t really…since Ruby, and I guess that’s kind of…” He trails off and Castiel stays still. He knows, possibly by instinct, that Sam is just not very good at putting words together. It’s…Castiel can’t think of another word but endearing. It sticks.

“Haven’t been close to someone.”

“I have never been close to someone.” Castiel has, on many occasions, tried to block out the memory of Chastity, the girl who screamed at him for telling the truth. He huffs gently to himself and thinks about Dean’s arm around his shoulder. He likes the Winchesters. They don’t scream at him (they just yell, or snarl, or snap sarcastically – this is mostly Dean, however).

Sam chuckles. “Is it nice?”

“I suppose.”

Sam laughs again.

“I feel lonely sometimes.”

Castiel looks at Sam. He seems much smaller on the couch. His jacket is off, his muscular arms visible. Still, he looks small, like he’s cowering in fear of something, his chin tilted down so that he doesn’t have to look at the screen. Something else is playing now.

“Lonely around friends. Around my own brother. I love Dean, but he’s Dean.”

“Yes,” Castiel says with certainty, knowing exactly what Sam means. He’s beginning to understand what would normally be confusing phrases to him. “He is Dean.”

“You love him, don’t you?” Sam’s voice is so quiet that Castiel might have imagined it (except he doesn’t imagine voices).

“I do.”

There’s a long beat of silence.

“As I love you.”

It’s strange for Castiel to speak the words. They feel foreign in his mouth. Only Jimmy Novak ever really spoke to him of love. Dean spoke to him of loyalty, of free will. Fate spoke to him of destiny. Balthazar spoke to him of winning. And when Jimmy spoke to him of love, it was often with contempt. He was jealous of Castiel. Castiel thinks he understands why now. Perhaps, as he loves the Winchesters (as he loves Sam), they (he) love(s) him.

Sam seems oddly fragile as one arm curls around Cas’ waist. Castiel isn’t sure how, but he knows exactly what to do, and he turns his body so that he is able to hook an arm around Sam. It’s not the most comfortable he’s ever been, but Sam’s hair is soft and smells good in his nose. Castiel feels overwhelmingly human, and he lets Sam pull his trench coat off. Though his human body has never reacted in quite the way that real humans do (even though Jimmy left a long time ago and is now residing in paradise, Castiel is still not completely one with his figure, and sometimes he still wonders exactly how humans work), Castiel knows that the touch of Sam’s fingers (the heat of it) is a good thing.

“I would like to ask for your forgiveness,” Castiel whispers solemnly into Sam’s hair.

“Yeah?” Sam’s voice lacks its usual confidence. He sounds sad and broken.

“I have…doubted you. I have been fearful of you.” Castiel reaches up one hand and lets it tangle in Sam’s hair (Sam’s sigh is proof enough that it was a good idea). “I have caused you much pain. No one knows this…no one knows that I let you out, to find Ruby.” Sam stiffens but goes limp again almost immediately, heavy in Castiel’s strong hold. Acceptance. “But then I blamed you for it. And for that, I am sorry. I am sorry for calling you an abomination. For acting like you…were less. You were never less.”

Sam pushes closer and Cas shifts. Sam moves a heavy leg over Cas’ lap, nearly on top of him. Castiel had never expected Sam to be the type to get close. Then again – it makes sense, in some strange sort of way. Sam was just talking about loneliness. And Dean has always been the rough around the edges type. So Sam wanting to be close to someone seems pretty logical on the whole.

“I used to…I always kind of had faith. Dean never really had faith because of the things we saw, but I believed. Not in this, but also…in this. I believed in God and in angels and…then there you were. And I believed in you.”

“You have nothing to fear,” Castiel says lowly, his arms forming a protective barrier around Sam.

Sometimes Sam needs protected and sometimes he doesn’t.

Castiel decides that he will be there either way.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
lazy_8s
Apr. 22nd, 2011 05:22 pm (UTC)

The Sassy-iness here is awesome. Loved their conversation, as well as Castiel's thought on his relationship with the brothers. :)
eastdisease
Apr. 22nd, 2011 08:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much, and thanks for reading! :)
theslashbunny
May. 1st, 2011 04:25 pm (UTC)
This is the second requited Sam/Castiel (which is apparently "Sassy?" Glorious!) fic that I've ever read. This one is even more heartfelt than the last one I read and I love it so much! You may have made a convert of me with this one (and by convert, I mean that I will actively seek them out now, because I am, above all, a multi-shipper XD).

It's beautiful. The way you explain Castiel's feelings for both boys and especially this section right here:
The way Sam smiles at him, as if he’s truly happy to see him, is one of those times. Castiel will smile back (he’s not particularly good at that, but he tries) and he feels loosened. Relaxed. Around Sam, especially. Which is an oddity, since Dean is the ‘righteous one’, and the one with the ‘profound bond’.

And how part of it is that Sam actually is willing to share his emotions with Cas and is willing to listen to what Cas has to say and take it to heart - it's quite touching. This story makes it seem like Sam and Cas just match better, temperament-wise, in relationships than Cas and Dean.

And Cas's apology... And how Sam's response is to simply let himself be cuddled and protected... *sigh* The end made me "aw..." and get a bit sappy, not gonna lie. It was so sweet and seemed more like a beginning than an end.

Absolutely lovely! Thank you for sharing!

Any chance we'll see a sequel? *wink wink nudge nudge* I'd love to see how this pans out later, especially if Dean walked in to see his brother and angel cuddling on the couch. :D
eastdisease
May. 2nd, 2011 04:30 pm (UTC)
Oh God, I'm so smiley now, this is such a fabulous comment and I love those. Thank you so much!

I'm a multishipper through and through, though I have read little Sam/Cas, though I have a list of fics I should probably take a look at. This was my first time writing it though, and I'm glad that you liked it! Portraying how Cas feels about both of the Winchesters was the most fun, because while I LOVE Dean/Cas with all my heart, realistically, Dean's so much rougher and Sam is the more emotional one.

As for a sequel, who knows! /o\ I am usually rather bad at those but I might write something in this same vein if it leaves me inspired~

Thank you again for reading! :')
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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